It's hard to believe 2011 is here. I was getting ready for bed when I got another deep thought. It started out as hurt but it became joy believe it or not. Now I can't sleep again haha. I didn't think being engaged would change me so much but already I'm dealing with loneliness that married women have admitted to crying over. It's so hard at times. I so desperately miss having a social life but it disappeared when I came back to DeLand. I have heard of friends getting together and me not getting invited. I knew I would deal with this once I got married but I'm already feeling the sting 5months before my wedding. I guess it's God's way of preparing me for the things to come. The one feeling I dread the most is loneliness and I'm feeling it so strongly already. I think I'm already mourning the days over my single youth while looking forward to the days of married youth. Okay vent over.
So 2011 will bring about many new changes. It will bring a new life for Nathan and I as we become husband and wife. As the date draws near I have some fear for the unknown. I have no clue what God will do with us in 2011 and where we will be lead. I finally have a peace about leaving Florida should God grant us the ability to go. I have accepted it as a very real possibility and I am more willing than ever to follow it. Granted right now it could be because I am feeling lonely but I think that God could use it to break me and show me I wasn't 100% on board. It's so unfathomable the changes that will happen. I will, as of June 4, take on a name that's nearly double the length of mine. I will no longer live with my parents but rather with Nathan. I will have to pay bills and plan out things for Nathan and I. I will have to run my own home and take care of the Nathan and Leah VanderBoegh family. This will be double my laundry, double my dishes, and double a food bill. When I look at all that the typical working wife has to do before having kids, it does seem like a lot and I know it will be doubled once we add a baby to the mix (Lord willing not for a while). It's a daunting mountain in front of me but I know with the Lord's help I will make it. I know that it's worth every lonely feeling and every uninvited event to be married to Nathan. The Lord took Nathan and I on a roller coaster last year as we fell in love in January and then went through making the ultimate decision to get married and planning our way to that day. It was so much harder than I thought it would be but God brought us through it. There's a song by Andrew Peterson called Dancing in the Minefields and even though it's meant for married couples I love it because we all face those challenges and storms whether we are married or single. Following God is harder than we dreamed but I believe that's what His promises are for. I have said a lot in this entry but I'm actually becoming okay with the lonileness. Maybe I wasn't to start typing this but I am now haha. I know God is doing an awesome work not only in Nathan and in me but also in us as two people becoming a new family. I know what the cross means and I know what the ring on my hand means. The cross is the fulfilled promises of the One who chose me to die for and to give me a new life. The ring on my hand was given to me by a man who chose me to go through an at times painful and at other times joyous engagement of 10months and 5days in order to at the end call me his wife. I doubt any man (Nathan included) goes through an engagement for the fun of it and not for the end product of a wife. That ring means, he's not leaving me. Even though, yes you could take away the ring and I know he's still mine, it's visual reminder of a promise. Both God and Nathan chose me. I rely on both, God first then Nathan and lastly the family who brought in to this point for the plans ahead.